Something Missing

I've been having trouble trying to put this all in words. There's been so much running through my mind since my new baby girl was born almost 2 weeks ago. I'm so excited for this precious new life, but I've had this feeling that there's something missing.

When it was time to go to the hospital, and it became clear that this was it, I started going over the list of people that I had to get in touch with. I watched as family members held our new baby girl, shared in our joy, and then helped out with what needed to be done.

It reminded me of when Kensley was born, except something was missing - my mom. With Kensley, she was there to share in the joy. She was so thrilled to see my first child be born, something she had waited for for a long time. She was starting to get sick then, and didn't have the energy she once had, but she was still overjoyed. I know she would be just as thrilled to see my second.

I've sat here in my alone time thinking about this a lot. I'm the type to sit and observe, think about trends, etc. So naturally, I've sat and observed what's going on with my own family. I see Amanda's family come over and help, which has been amazing. Since I work midnights (and my body is not adjusting to it very well - that's a blog for another time), it's hard for me to help out when I want to. I do what I can, but I wish I could do more.

But there's still something missing. My mom should be here. She should be here playing games with Kensley and holding Annelise. She should be calling me every day asking how my girls are doing. For the first three months of Kensley's life, Mom would call me and ask how Amanda was and how "that beautiful baby girl" was. She should be here now.

Then I get reminded that my dad should be here, too. He should be giving me advice, helping me figure out how to fix this stupid stuff around the house that keeps breaking, helping me to know what kind of dad I should be.

I have their memories, and I draw on those all the time, but they should be here. It's not normal for them to not be here anymore. It's not fair - it's never been fair.

I know what you'll say - "be blessed by the time you had with them"; "use their memories and focus on your girls"; "it'll get better" etc. - but it still hurts, every single day. And no, it's not fair and it won't ever be fair.

They should be here.

That's why it hurts. That's why, even when I look at my beautiful family, there's still a hole in my heart. I often feel all alone. Not to discount the family that I have that has been there for me, but I've still got this hole in my heart that will never be filled.

I know I will deal with it, and things will get better. I know that if I pour my energy into focusing on what God wants me to do and the type of husband and father He wants me to be, and that they need me to be, eventually it won't hurt as bad.

It's just that these events are the type of reminder that's a slap in the face. It hits you out of nowhere. You just get used to your daily life without the ones you love, and then life throws you a curveball and you remember that they're not here.

I know that they're in a better place, that they're not in pain, and that they're much happier where they are now. I've got the reassurance that one day, I'll be there with them - hopefully, after I've had a long life to enjoy with my wife, daughters, and hopefully grandchildren down the road. Until then, I just have to keep moving through the different twists and turns of life, knowing that I still have people in my life who care and drawing off the memories of the ones I don't have anymore.

Right now, though, I'll go back to enjoying this precious new baby, full of innocence and life, and soak up every minute I can.