When I left for work this morning, I was greeted by the sound of birds singing. Of course it's a refreshing sound to me considering how harsh our winter has been this year. However, it has a much deeper sense of comfort to me.
When Amanda and I got married, there was a single bird that flew to the top of the chapel in Nashville. It sat there and chirped from the time we arrived until we left the chapel for our reception. My mom made a comment to me about the bird and how it was a reminder that my dad was still with me.
The night my mom passed away, Amanda and I got home at around 2am. When I got out of the car, there were 2 birds chirping and singing the most beautiful song I've ever heard.
It reminded me that now both my mom and dad are always with me, no matter where I go.
This morning, after a rough night of little sleep and all the memories that are rushing back to me, I felt a sense of calming and was reminded that they are still with me.
Friday, March 21, 2014
21 March, 2014 06:05
I can't sleep. The last two days I've had a horrible headache that won't go away. I'm sure part of it is because of this rush of memories that keeps coming back to me.
I was about to get in the shower that morning when I got the call that they had to call an ambulance for Mom. She had never moved from the couch the night before and still couldn't move on her own. I knew it was bad because Mom would never consent to an ambulance if she was alert enough to do so.
I went over to the hospital and waited. She was stable, but I could tell she was very confused. They took her for some tests. I went with her, and they had to have me help her get on the table for the CT scan. She seemed confused as to what to do but seemed to be ok as long as I stayed there.
They decided to admit her and continue running more tests. We knew she had cirrhosis, for which she had just had surgery. On top of that, they discovered she had lymphoma. We were unsure what was causing her to be so weak and confused at this moment and so were the doctors.
I've been around hospitals and doctor's offices enough to know when they are avoiding telling you something. I could see it in their eyes. Nurses would come in, look at her chart, and look at me with a sympathetic look and walk on by. There were things they couldn't tell me, maybe because they honestly didn't know, but I could tell they knew.
I think deep down, somewhere, I knew too. I just didn't want to admit it. I was holding out hope. I mean, surely God wouldn't let this happen, right? He had already taken my dad from me when I was 12. I only ever got to know one grandparent, and God took her when I was 13. Surely He wouldn't take my mom from me when I'm just 25...right? I mean, Kensley was just 3 months old. She needs to grow up and know her grandma Sue. It just wouldn't be fair, and besides, I couldn't handle this without her...
I was in and out of her ICU room that day. The last time, I brought Amanda with me. We just sat there and watched some TV - a college basketball game since the tournament was on. Mom joked, "Oh sure, you're just using me for the TV!" I told her no, and she said, "Ryan, I know that, I'm just teasing you."
Even in her last days, she was always trying to make me laugh.
Mom kept trying to take off her oxygen mask, but I wouldn't let her. "You didn't raise me to not be stubborn," I told her.
"Well, that was my goal in life - " she answered - "to get you raised."
I realized later that she had checked off everything on her earthly to-do list. My brother is grown, my sister is grown and raising a family, and now I, the youngest, had just started my own family. In my mom's eyes, her job was complete. She raised me and my brother and sister. My dad had passed on, so she was ready to go.
I came home so she could rest. I remember while being outside, even though there were stars out and not a cloud to be seen, I saw a flash of lightning come from the western sky. From where I live, the hospital is to the west. I froze for a moment, wondering if it was a transformer or something. I went along with my night and finally went to bed.
I was talking to Amanda and looking at my phone when it rang. It was my sister. She is a nurse and happened to be working at the hospital that night. I needed to come up there, because we had to make some important decisions. Mom did not have a living will. She was not being responsive to them but kept trying to pull her oxygen off. When it did come off, her vitals plummeted.
I remember being in shock. I had just been talking to her. What had happened? Why the sudden change? More importantly, what do we do now?
I remember my sister asking Mom what she wanted us to do. Mom squeezed my hand when she asked if she just wanted to go be with Dad. I still thought deep down it would be a long way off, not 24 hours later.
I have to stop here because honestly my mind is a jumbled mess. A lot of what I've written I've went back and forth on if I want to write because it still hurts too much. This is the first anniversary of her death without the comfort of antidepressants, without the numbing of medication. I'm feeling it raw for the first time and it's like a bandaid being ripped off. It hurts and I don't think I realized just how bad it hurts until now.
I thought I had kept the pain under control pretty well, but the problem with grief is if you don't deal with it, it will manifest itself in one way or another. The best thing to do is just to experience the stages as they come to you and lean on God for support, strength, and comfort.
I was about to get in the shower that morning when I got the call that they had to call an ambulance for Mom. She had never moved from the couch the night before and still couldn't move on her own. I knew it was bad because Mom would never consent to an ambulance if she was alert enough to do so.
I went over to the hospital and waited. She was stable, but I could tell she was very confused. They took her for some tests. I went with her, and they had to have me help her get on the table for the CT scan. She seemed confused as to what to do but seemed to be ok as long as I stayed there.
They decided to admit her and continue running more tests. We knew she had cirrhosis, for which she had just had surgery. On top of that, they discovered she had lymphoma. We were unsure what was causing her to be so weak and confused at this moment and so were the doctors.
I've been around hospitals and doctor's offices enough to know when they are avoiding telling you something. I could see it in their eyes. Nurses would come in, look at her chart, and look at me with a sympathetic look and walk on by. There were things they couldn't tell me, maybe because they honestly didn't know, but I could tell they knew.
I think deep down, somewhere, I knew too. I just didn't want to admit it. I was holding out hope. I mean, surely God wouldn't let this happen, right? He had already taken my dad from me when I was 12. I only ever got to know one grandparent, and God took her when I was 13. Surely He wouldn't take my mom from me when I'm just 25...right? I mean, Kensley was just 3 months old. She needs to grow up and know her grandma Sue. It just wouldn't be fair, and besides, I couldn't handle this without her...
I was in and out of her ICU room that day. The last time, I brought Amanda with me. We just sat there and watched some TV - a college basketball game since the tournament was on. Mom joked, "Oh sure, you're just using me for the TV!" I told her no, and she said, "Ryan, I know that, I'm just teasing you."
Even in her last days, she was always trying to make me laugh.
Mom kept trying to take off her oxygen mask, but I wouldn't let her. "You didn't raise me to not be stubborn," I told her.
"Well, that was my goal in life - " she answered - "to get you raised."
I realized later that she had checked off everything on her earthly to-do list. My brother is grown, my sister is grown and raising a family, and now I, the youngest, had just started my own family. In my mom's eyes, her job was complete. She raised me and my brother and sister. My dad had passed on, so she was ready to go.
I came home so she could rest. I remember while being outside, even though there were stars out and not a cloud to be seen, I saw a flash of lightning come from the western sky. From where I live, the hospital is to the west. I froze for a moment, wondering if it was a transformer or something. I went along with my night and finally went to bed.
I was talking to Amanda and looking at my phone when it rang. It was my sister. She is a nurse and happened to be working at the hospital that night. I needed to come up there, because we had to make some important decisions. Mom did not have a living will. She was not being responsive to them but kept trying to pull her oxygen off. When it did come off, her vitals plummeted.
I remember being in shock. I had just been talking to her. What had happened? Why the sudden change? More importantly, what do we do now?
I remember my sister asking Mom what she wanted us to do. Mom squeezed my hand when she asked if she just wanted to go be with Dad. I still thought deep down it would be a long way off, not 24 hours later.
I have to stop here because honestly my mind is a jumbled mess. A lot of what I've written I've went back and forth on if I want to write because it still hurts too much. This is the first anniversary of her death without the comfort of antidepressants, without the numbing of medication. I'm feeling it raw for the first time and it's like a bandaid being ripped off. It hurts and I don't think I realized just how bad it hurts until now.
I thought I had kept the pain under control pretty well, but the problem with grief is if you don't deal with it, it will manifest itself in one way or another. The best thing to do is just to experience the stages as they come to you and lean on God for support, strength, and comfort.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
3/19/2011
This was the last day I talked to you on the phone. I would call you every day. If I didn't get a chance to call early in the day, you would call and ask if I had forgotten about you. Of course I could never forget about you. I still can't and never will.
It was a short call. We were shopping at the outlet mall and Kensley, just 3 months old at the time, reacted to someone in a way that I knew Dad would laugh at. I called you to tell you about it. Even though you were weak, you still laughed.
We had to keep the call short because you had a cough that made it hard for you to talk, so I let you go and told you I would talk to you later.
I had no idea the next call I'd get would be the next morning saying they had to call an ambulance for you because you couldn't get off the couch on your own.
I still miss our calls. You were the one person I could call at any time, for any reason. When I had something good happen, or something bad, I could call you. When you had something good or bad happen, you made sure to call me.
I still sometimes reach for phone on instinct to call you at those times. It happened just this week. We found out something and you were the first person I wanted to tell. I had a really rough day, and you were the first person I wanted to talk to.
It's getting a little better, but it's still hard. I use to pick the phone up, stare at your number, and cry. Yearn for the chance to hear your voice again and talk to you again.
Now, I still look at the phone for a second, and then just set it back down. I'll stop for a minute, imagine how our conversation would have went, and move on with my day.
Others probably think I get really quiet sometimes. If they only knew that those are the times I still have set aside to talk to you.
It's just not by phone anymore.
It was a short call. We were shopping at the outlet mall and Kensley, just 3 months old at the time, reacted to someone in a way that I knew Dad would laugh at. I called you to tell you about it. Even though you were weak, you still laughed.
We had to keep the call short because you had a cough that made it hard for you to talk, so I let you go and told you I would talk to you later.
I had no idea the next call I'd get would be the next morning saying they had to call an ambulance for you because you couldn't get off the couch on your own.
I still miss our calls. You were the one person I could call at any time, for any reason. When I had something good happen, or something bad, I could call you. When you had something good or bad happen, you made sure to call me.
I still sometimes reach for phone on instinct to call you at those times. It happened just this week. We found out something and you were the first person I wanted to tell. I had a really rough day, and you were the first person I wanted to talk to.
It's getting a little better, but it's still hard. I use to pick the phone up, stare at your number, and cry. Yearn for the chance to hear your voice again and talk to you again.
Now, I still look at the phone for a second, and then just set it back down. I'll stop for a minute, imagine how our conversation would have went, and move on with my day.
Others probably think I get really quiet sometimes. If they only knew that those are the times I still have set aside to talk to you.
It's just not by phone anymore.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Following in my footsteps?
I'm cracking up right now.
When I was a kid, I would sit and go through ads and magazines and read them, like I was doing commercials for the radio. I don't remember how old I was at the time, but I was pretty young.
As I write this, Kensley is sitting right beside me, reading a dogs' health supplies magazine and telling me about every item, explaining what you do with it and how amazing it would be if you bought it.
Heaven help me, she just might follow in my footsteps.
When I was a kid, I would sit and go through ads and magazines and read them, like I was doing commercials for the radio. I don't remember how old I was at the time, but I was pretty young.
As I write this, Kensley is sitting right beside me, reading a dogs' health supplies magazine and telling me about every item, explaining what you do with it and how amazing it would be if you bought it.
Heaven help me, she just might follow in my footsteps.
Overwhelmed
Today, I just feel overwhelmed. There's no real reason why, I just feel like there is just too much to do.
Monday, March 17, 2014
Here we go...
This week is always one of the toughest for me. Saturday marks 3 years since my mom passed away, and still it feels like it was only yesterday. There are some positive changes going on in my world right now which is helping to keep me distracted, but it still doesn't ease the pain.
I made the decision a few weeks ago to wean off my antidepressant. I have been on it for almost 2 years, and with my physician's consent, I started the transition at the beginning of March. Part of me thought, why on earth am I going off of antidepressants in the same month that has brought me some of the deepest pain in my life? Then I realized that I needed to experience this with an open mind. Antidepressants have always clouded my mind and kept me from feeling what I truly needed to feel.
Keep in mind, I'm not saying that people should not take them or trying to discourage them in any way. I think that is a decision that one makes with his or her physician and that's it. For me personally, I have discovered that at least the ones that are available on the market do not work for me.
So, here we go. Whatever this week will hold, I'm ready. I know that at least in so many ways, I'm in a better place than I was the last couple of years. I know that God wants a lot more from me and has also done a lot with me in the last 3 years. I know that I need to never give up, keep pressing forward, and He will continue to be by my side.
I made the decision a few weeks ago to wean off my antidepressant. I have been on it for almost 2 years, and with my physician's consent, I started the transition at the beginning of March. Part of me thought, why on earth am I going off of antidepressants in the same month that has brought me some of the deepest pain in my life? Then I realized that I needed to experience this with an open mind. Antidepressants have always clouded my mind and kept me from feeling what I truly needed to feel.
Keep in mind, I'm not saying that people should not take them or trying to discourage them in any way. I think that is a decision that one makes with his or her physician and that's it. For me personally, I have discovered that at least the ones that are available on the market do not work for me.
So, here we go. Whatever this week will hold, I'm ready. I know that at least in so many ways, I'm in a better place than I was the last couple of years. I know that God wants a lot more from me and has also done a lot with me in the last 3 years. I know that I need to never give up, keep pressing forward, and He will continue to be by my side.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Perfect Timing
I think about the way God works, how He just knows what we need, when we need it.
I've been weighing some decisions in my head over the last few weeks. Every time I start to go one way, it seems like a road block gets put up. I haven't been able to understand why - it doesn't make any sense, how could I not be able to do this, etc.
Today, a phone call made it at least a little more clear. While I still don't understand the direction it will lead, it at least explained why God has been telling me, "Hold still. I've got this."
I've never been good at "holding still". When things start to get rough, I've got to be moving. You wouldn't know that by looking at me. You'd think a guy like me, overweight and all, would be the perfect couch potato. No, as stressful as my life can be, I have to be doing something pretty much at all times. Whether it's physically or mentally, I'm always doing something. It might be preparing something in my head that I need to do. It might be getting something ready on a computer, or working ahead, or doing something else. I've never been good at just relaxing.
I have to admit that sometimes, I pride myself on that ability to spring into action and run on adrenaline. When my mom was going through her health struggles, I went through periods of time where I had to be super involved in what was going on - if I wasn't, I felt lost. I was physically undergoing my own issues at the time which left me unable to do some things that I felt I should be able to do. I was off work for an extended period of time - which actually was a blessing in that it gave me those final days with my mom. Looking back, I believe it was God's way of giving me that time not only with her but also with Kensley.
I'm definitely going to go into more detail on what happened around the time of my mom's death later, because that was a major life-changing event and it is something I am still dealing with in many ways. However, for now I will just say that the only way I was able to get through it was the grace that God showed me through my wife and my daughter. Without those two beautiful women in my life, I would be lost. I truly believe my mom knew I was going to be alright. I believe she looked at her children, knew that they had families of their own, and that she had raised them to the best of her ability - and her job was complete.
It's coming up on 3 years since she has been gone, yet it feels like only yesterday. There are days that I wish she was still here, but I know that is just me being selfish. I know she is in a much better place, and I know that God has equipped me to get through the things I need to get through - with Him by my side. What He gives me may not be in the timing I want, but it's in the timing I need. That's how I know He loves me and is always taking care of me. Just like my mom always told me He would.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
A New Journey
Today is Ash Wednesday, the start of the Lent season. This year, I decided in addition to giving something up (caffeine - you've had your warning!), I'm going to do something I did 4 years ago, which is blog during the Lent season.
I used a different blog system then (you can check it out at kennybeasley.blogspot.com if you really want to). I decided to try this one for a couple of reasons. First, I wanted to see if this layout would be easier to maintain. Second, so much has changed in my life since that time. I was just really starting to branch out into what my faith meant to me on a personal level. (Looking back, I've realized that you never stop experiencing that - it just takes on different forms.)
At that time in my life, I was weeks away from finding out that we were expecting our first child. Amanda found out the same week that she got her hours cut at work. My mom started to really see a decline in her health - by the next year, she had passed away.
The struggles that I and my entire family faced in the time afterward were something I could never have predicted. However, the way that God brought us through those struggles is something that I also never could have imagined. He has given us so many blessings that I've lost count. We have a healthy and rambunctious baby girl who is now 3 years old and reminds me every day the beauty this world can offer. More importantly, she reminds me of the love of Jesus.
This first post is all over the map, which is pretty indicative of how my thoughts have been lately. Hopefully, I'll get that fixed over the course of this Lent season. Thanks for taking this journey with me!
I used a different blog system then (you can check it out at kennybeasley.blogspot.com if you really want to). I decided to try this one for a couple of reasons. First, I wanted to see if this layout would be easier to maintain. Second, so much has changed in my life since that time. I was just really starting to branch out into what my faith meant to me on a personal level. (Looking back, I've realized that you never stop experiencing that - it just takes on different forms.)
At that time in my life, I was weeks away from finding out that we were expecting our first child. Amanda found out the same week that she got her hours cut at work. My mom started to really see a decline in her health - by the next year, she had passed away.
The struggles that I and my entire family faced in the time afterward were something I could never have predicted. However, the way that God brought us through those struggles is something that I also never could have imagined. He has given us so many blessings that I've lost count. We have a healthy and rambunctious baby girl who is now 3 years old and reminds me every day the beauty this world can offer. More importantly, she reminds me of the love of Jesus.
This first post is all over the map, which is pretty indicative of how my thoughts have been lately. Hopefully, I'll get that fixed over the course of this Lent season. Thanks for taking this journey with me!
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Testing
Just testing this out - I'm going to use this over Lent in 2014 to further my studies and in my relationship with God....all while probably being open and honest with myself in my struggles and failures as a husband, father, and human.
Testing
This is just a quick test - I am going to utilize this over lent to go further in my studies and in my relationship with God, while also being brutally honest and open with myself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)